The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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