The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
