Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
