the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
