I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize