i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
