i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
