Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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