Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
