Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
