Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My pussy is not your playground.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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