My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
