Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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