Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
