that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
