I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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