I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
