I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
