Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
