so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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