I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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