Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
