he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
