I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I lost the right to judge tonight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
