this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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