If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
