At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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