I wish they made helmets for livers.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
