True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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