She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
