just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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