Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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