apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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