there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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