im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
