garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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