I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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