My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
