The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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