So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
