Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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