Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
