Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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