dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
