: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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