I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Let's get the cat blown out
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
