I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
