if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
