I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
