checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ugly people sure do ruin things
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
