So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
