not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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