She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
