How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
