Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
